The War Gift - part 16

The two of them embraced each other for several minutes, oblivious to anything else until a loudly cleared throat finally pulled them back to the present.  Cailan felt his face go bright red as he was reminded that both his parents were in the room.  He looked over Jarek’s shoulder and saw his father appearing mildly amused, but his mother was looking shocked and uncomfortable.  He reluctantly loosened his embrace on Jarek, but the bigger man didn’t entirely release him; instead keeping one arm around his waist as they both turned to face Cailan’s parents. 

Jarek spoke first, his tone respectful, but not truly repentant.  “I apologize, your majesties.  I’m afraid I was overcome at seeing Prince Cailan again.”

“Yes, well, before things get too far out of hand, perhaps we can sit down and inform Cailan of the terms that have been agreed upon?”

King Saxon’s words were serious, but his tone was kind, so Cailan knew his father was not offended by the embrace he’d witnessed.  He still wasn’t sure about his mother.  She looked as if she did not wish to be in the room, and appeared to be shooting the occasional dagger at Jarek through her eyes.

“I’d like to know the terms,” Cailan agreed, shooting his mother an anxious glance.

“Let’s gather in the morning room then,” the king decided.  “I’ve arranged a meal to be brought to us in a short while.  We can talk there.”

The king, with a hand gently pressed to his wife’s back, led the way.  Jarek smiled encouragingly at Cailan when the royals’ backs were turned, and then took his hand as they followed them to the morning room.

Servants waited to pull their chairs out for them at a small dining table, but once they were seated and drinks were poured, King Saxon dismissed them.

“Your mother and I invited Leader Jarek for a week-long stay, Cailan.  We felt it important to know him away from the battlefield at this time.”

Cailan couldn’t suppress the smile that news brought him.  He looked from his parents to Jarek.  “You’re staying a week?!”

“I am, as long as nothing pressing calls me back to Cylandrea, King Alaric has extended his blessing to my visit and to our courtship.”

“But you will not be sharing private quarters during this stay,” Cailan’s mother said with both gentility and warning.

Cailan felt a blush returning to his features, but he managed to contain both his disappointment and his embarrassment at his parent making a subtle implication to his private life.  “That is fine, Mother.  I understand the precedence of Jarek’s visit is for everyone to know one another better.”

“I’m glad you understand that, Cailan,” the king replied.  “Please also understand that your mother has some reservations about moving ahead with a courtship, so you both need to recognize that the invitation for Jarek to be here does not guarantee our blessing on a relationship between the two of you.  I know it may seem too late for our reticence considering the events of the past, but we did not have much choice before.  This time we do.”  He looked warningly to Jarek.  “And I am no longer having to choose between two sons or the safety of my country this time.  If I do not believe you will be good for my child, I will not approve further courting.”

Cailan felt defensive, but Jarek nodded graciously to the king and queen.  “I expect nothing less from you, sires.  I would have issue if you didn’t have Cailan’s best in mind.  And I will also reassure that King Alaric and I will continue to honor the signed alliance between our kingdoms even if I am denied a marriage to your son.”

Cailan felt in the dark a little with what was being said.  Clearly some poignant things were discussed before Jarek had arrived in Arten, but what stuck most with him was that Jarek used the term “marriage”.  He didn’t say partnership or courtship or reference Cailan being a companion.  He said marriage, which in Arten was a relationship that was only ended in the death of one of the spouses.  Whether that was the same in Cylandrea he didn’t know, but the significance of the term was something he felt in his soul, and all he wanted to do was kiss Jarek in that moment.  It took all his military training in discipline to keep himself from climbing on the man’s lap.

“Let’s make sure we’re all clear on what the boundaries are during your stay then, Leader Jarek,” Saxon determined.

Cailan forced himself to ignore the urge to kiss the man next to him and listened to the arrangement that the royals had established.  Most of what was agreed upon Cailan understood and didn’t have issue with.  His parents wanted Jarek to join them or Cailan’s brothers for meals, both with Cailan’s presence and without.  The two of them were permitted time alone with one another, but never after dark or without someone in the family knowing their whereabouts.  Cailan was required to still abide by the healer’s instructions over his wounds and health, and his authority was his father, not Jarek.

That last rule was said firmly, and Cailan suspected his father was concerned that after being under Jarek’s influence, his sixth-born might struggle to have the two authority figures under the same roof. 

King Saxon also declared that Jarek was not to leave the palace grounds unattended. 

“As we are now allies, I am willing to have you accompany me to the training fields, or have someone show you about the countryside, but not by yourself.”

“I understand, your majesty.  My brother and I always make that clear to foreign visitors as well.  Perhaps, during my time here, we’ll be able to find additional ways to strengthen our alliance.”

“Perhaps,” King Saxon agreed.

They had been eating a light meal as they talked, and as they cleared their plates, Queen Adesina made a request.  “Saxon, Leader Jarek has not seen his rooms yet.  Perhaps you and he would like to continue alliance talk while showing him where he is to stay.  I’d like a few minutes with Cailan.”

“Good idea, my dear,” the king agreed.  He rose and motioned to Jarek.  “The servants should have sorted your belongings in your room, but if you need anything once you’ve seen your quarters, please let us know.”

Jarek willingly acquiesced, but before rising to follow, he lifted Cailan’s hand and kissed his knuckles.  His eyes lit with pleasure as he saw that Cailan still wore the ring he’d given him. 

“I’ll see you in a short while,” he promised before following his royal host.

Queen Adesina barely waited for the door to close behind the men before turning hurt and worried eyes to Cailan.

“Cailan,” she said, her voice trembling slightly.  “Must I believe that you truly wish to partner with that man?”

Cailan’s chest tightened in disappointment, although he knew he shouldn’t be surprised.  “Jarek is a good man, Mother.  I’ve told you how well he treated me while I was in Cylandrea.”

“But you were his concubine!  His slave!”

“No, Mother,” Cailan denied, feeling the truth of his conversations with Jarek while in Cylandrea.  “He never labeled me that way.  Do you know what he called me?  He called me his ‘gift’.”

Adesina paused.  “That makes no sense.”

“It didn’t to me either at first,” Cailan admitted.  “But that is what he called me and how he treated me—like a gift he treasured and took care of; not a slave to be used.”

The queen’s eyes were wet.  “I still don’t like it.  He is a foreigner, someone we battled against, and who then forced our hands into giving up a son.  That wasn’t right.”

“I know it didn’t feel right at the time, but both Father and King Alaric maintained their honor by abiding by the ancient treaty that had been made.  Their hands were forced as well.”

Clearly his mother didn’t want to accept that logic, but she couldn’t argue against it, knowing it was true; so she put forth a different argument.  “If you bind yourself to him, you will have no heirs, Cailan.”

“I know, and neither will he, but Jarek does not seem concerned about it.  Besides, I’ll always have Doron to dote on,” he appeased, although a thought occurred to him that was worrisome.  “That is, if you allow me to continue to see him if I bond with Jarek.”

Adesina’s face softened, although it was sad.  “Oh Cailan, I would not keep you away from Doron, or the rest of the family.  I know how much you love your little brother, and I know how much he loves you.”

Cailan swallowed a lump in his throat.  “Thank you.  That means more than almost anything else to me.  I just wish you could approve my relationship with Jarek.”

“Son, I’m merely withholding my approval until I know the man better.  I simply cannot help not liking him right now, and feeling distrustful of him.  It is beyond difficult to think of you partnering with the man who owned you and had the right to use you sexually whether you wanted to or not.”

“But Mother, he didn’t use me.  I told you that.”

“I know, but it’s still...hard for me.  I would wish for you to be able to love a young Artenian woman who could give you children and companionship.  I even had several in mind to introduce to you once you were fully healed.  I thought it would be a better path for you.  But, your father enlightened me to some truths that I was refusing to accept.”

“What truths?” Cailan asked, although he suspected he knew.

She sighed.  “That an arranged marriage would probably make both you and the young woman unhappy.  She would fear birthing another silver child, and if the two of you didn’t find love, then the relationship would be tense and strained. 

“He also told me that the soldiers would not welcome someone who once served as a concubine…even if you weren’t ever used as you say.”

Cailan felt his shoulders slump a little.  That reality was still hard to face.  “They struggled enough to accept a silver-born among their ranks.  It is likely expecting too much to think they could willingly receive a former concubine as well.”

Adesina looked sad.  “That is what your father said.  But Cailan, that is part of my concern.  Perhaps you are looking to Leader Jarek because you feel you have no other options.”

“Mother, my options are very limited,” Cailan declared.  “But that is not why I am willing to be courted by Jarek.  It may be hard to hear.  It is even hard for me to say at times because I know even in this there are difficulties ahead, but I care deeply for him.  I’ve…I’ve come to love him, although I’ve never told him that.  I want to pursue a partnership with him because he makes me feel wanted and valuable.”

His mother sighed, but she didn’t appear as forlorn as she had been.  “I will give him the benefit of the doubt then, but if I see even a hint of him not treated you well, I will speak up.”

“I know, Mother, and I thank you for that,” Cailan replied sincerely.

*****

When Jarek returned with the king, Saxon permitted their guest to escort Cailan back to his rooms alone.  Everyone could see that the young prince’s leg was paining him, and all three were insistent on him resting it for a few hours.

Jarek supported him with an arm around his waist until they were halfway there, but then lifted him carefully into his arms.

“I can walk!” Cailan insisted as his legs left the floor.

“Yes, but I think we’ll both be happier if I carry you.  Give your leg a rest, petling, and let me enjoy having you in my arms again.”

Cailan couldn’t find any reason to argue with that, and he was actually disappointed when they reached his room and Jarek placed him on the mattress.  The disappointment didn’t last though as the Cylandrean settled next to him and pulled him close to his side.

Cailan wrapped his arms around Jarek’s waist and sighed contentedly.  Jarek chuckled above him.

“You sound like I feel, petling.  It is good to be with you again.  For a time, I feared our separation would be permanent.”

“Father didn’t tell me until this morning that you had asked to speak with me,” Cailan told him.  “He thought I needed the distance, but…I missed you,” he admitted.

“I missed you too, my prince.”

They lay is silence together for a few minutes, but then Cailan couldn’t hold back the question in his head.  “Do you really want to court me?  To…marry me?”

“If I could have married you before, I would have,” Jarek answered. 

“Really?  Why couldn’t you?”

Jarek sighed and his arms tightened around Cailan.  “Because you were not ready for that, and because there is a law that prevents a master from marrying a concubine.”

That surprised Cailan.  “So you couldn’t have married me at all?”

Jarek shook his head.  “Marriage is only allowed among those who are free to make the choice.  It is a law set in place so that an individual is not forced into an unwanted partnership.  If a master wishes to marry a concubine or a slave, he must first legally free them from any obligation to him.  Then they are on equal standing and one person is not being forced by another.”

“Oh, that’s actually a really good regulation,” Cailan acknowledged.  “But, you could have freed me if that’s the way it worked.”

“I know, little love, and I considered it, but Alaric would have had to sign off on your freedom as well, and he had the prophecies and the kingdom firstly in his mind.”

Cailan rested his head on Jarek’s shoulder and thought about that.  “Because at that time he still wasn’t sure if I was the one the prophecies spoke of?”

“Yes, although now there is no doubt in our minds.”  Jarek kissed the top the Cailan’s head.  “It was the hardest thing in the world for both Alaric and I to agree to turn you back over to your family when we needed Arten’s aid, but it seems that destiny was moving ahead of us.  Now I have the chance to claim you as mine in a much better way than master and concubine.  Now I have the chance to marry you.”

Cailan’s finger’s played with a button on Jarek’s shirt.  “Since I came back there were times I wondered if you were only so good to me because of the prophecies,” he admitted quietly.

Jarek sounded sober as he responded.  “I feared you might think that.  Is that still a worry?”

“Not…really,” Cailan said hesitantly.  “I don’t think you would have tried to contact me or asked my father for our courtship if all you cared about were the prophecies.”

“You still sound doubtful, petling,” Jarek commented.

Cailan bit his lip before speaking.  “I am unsure…I mean, part of me wonders if there are still prophecies surrounding a silver-born…and maybe that’s why you want me back.”   His words got faster.  “I didn’t even think of that until just now, but….”

“But now you’re panicking,” Jarek said with understanding.

“Yes,” Cailan whispered.

Jarek cupped his cheek and made Cailan meet his eyes.  “I understand that, petling.  Out of necessity so much was hidden from you, both by me and my country, and by your family.  That you question the current situation is no surprise, and that is partly why I am here.  My prince, I love you, and I’m going to do all I can to prove it to you as well as to your family.”

There was such sincerity in his words that Cailan felt the pressure inside him lessen.  “Jarek, I told my father and my brother….”

He paused and Jarek looked at him in open curiosity.  “Yes?  You told them…?”

Cailan reached up and took several moments to touch Jarek’s soft hair and sharp facial features.  Jarek willingly allowed the touch, his gaze soft yet steady.  Cailan looked back openly and spoke sincerely.  “I told them that I love you,” he finally said to the other man for the first time.

There was a moment of surprise that crossed Jarek’s face, and then he dipped his head and kissed Cailan hard.  It bent the young prince’s head back at an uncomfortable angle, but he didn’t care.  The heat and taste and feel of Jarek’s kisses was something he’d missed, and experiencing it again overrode any awkwardness.

Jarek moved to kiss Cailan’s cheek and forehead after he released his lips, and then tenderly maneuvered the younger man onto his lap.

“Do you know,” he said earnestly, “that I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear you say that?”

“I didn’t realize it fully until I came back to Arten, but I missed you so much and I came to realize...” he paused and pecked a brief kiss to Jarek’s lips, “…that you are a good man, and I wanted to be with you.”

“So it’s you I have to thank for your father giving me a chance,” Jarek commented with a tender smile.

“Partly,” Cailan agreed.  “But it was what you did too.”

Jarek tilted his head curiously.  “What did I do exactly?”

“You asked to court me,” Cailan reminded.  “That’s a big deal.  I mean, it is in Arten.”  He suddenly felt unsure.  “Is it not like that in Cylandrea?”

“It depends on the level of courtship,” Jarek told him.  “But the request I made of your father…yes, it is a big deal in Cylandrea too.”

Cailan released the tense breath he’d been holding.  “Well, that’s why my father considered you more seriously.  He said you had only been asking to speak with me at first, and he thought it was better for me to have distance from everything so I could move on, but when you showed you were resolute enough to seek a courtship, then he realized you were serious about what you felt for me.”

“I should have made that request from the start then,” Jarek determined ruefully. 

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I wanted to ask you first.”  He combed his fingers through Cailan’s hair.  “You were forced to come to me the first time, and later were not given the option to stay or go when your father stipulated that you be returned to him.  I wanted the choice to be yours this time, except that I realized your father didn’t want to allow us to converse.  Since I couldn’t talk to you, I decided to ask your father straight out, and I’m very glad I did now.”

“Me too, but what happens when your week here is finished?  What if my family does not bless the courtship?  What if you decide we aren’t a good match?  What if…?”

Jarek lightheartedly put a hand over Cailan’s mouth.  “What if I promise to not give up until you’re mine or you choose to not be with me?  Can you focus on that and forget the other ‘what ifs’?”

Cailan laughed against Jarek’s hand.  “I’ll try,” he promised, his voice muffled.

“Good lad.  Now lie down and let me hold you a while before someone checks in to make sure I’m not ravaging you.”

“Jarek!” Cailan laughed. 

Jarek kissed him and guided Cailan to his back as he deepened the touch.  Cailan’s last coherent thought was a hope that no one would come to his rooms for the rest of the night.

*****

It was frustrating to say good-night to Jarek that evening, but their first full day together began the next morning, and Cailan woke up feeling happier than he had in several weeks.  It was difficult to refrain from immediately getting out of bed and seeking out Jarek in his guest quarters, but from the first day he had come back to Arten, Cailan’s parents had insisted that he put no weight on his leg until the healer came to check his wounds each morning.

Thankfully, the royal medic was an early riser, and he came that morning shortly after Cailan awoke.  Even better, he was accompanied by both Jarek and Abed.  Cailan couldn’t stop the smile that pulled at his mouth when Jarek entered the room, although he felt an inkling of nerves when the man took no notice of the healer or Cailan’s brother, and instead came to the bed and bent to place a gentle kiss on Cailan’s mouth.

The young prince returned the action, but felt his cheeks flush slightly as he looked at his brother.  Abed merely grinned, and then abruptly ruffled Cailan’s hair, changing the young man’s wary look to a glare.

“I know what a kiss looks like, little brother.  Don’t look at me like I’m going to string you up for receiving one.”

“Prince Abed offered to escort me to your room, love,” Jarek said with amusement at the actions between the brothers.  “He said you were confined to your bed until the medic saw to your wounds, and it would do my heart good to see how your healing is coming along as well.”

“The cuts are much better,” Cailan assured as the healer helped him off with his nightshirt.

He spoke the truth.  The slashes on his torso and right arm especially looked better.  The skin had closed and the healer had used an ointment to dissolve the stitches that were no longer needed a few days previously.  The scars left behind weren’t attractive, but a salve was rubbed into them daily that the healer promised would continue to help the skin mend and minimize any blemishes. 

The man then re-bandaged each cut before moving on to the worst injury Cailan had taken—the deep gash on his right leg.

Jarek’s eyes darkened in concern as he saw the appendage was still stitched and mildly swollen.  It was clearly tender to the touch as well because Cailan couldn’t prevent the occasional flinch as the healer carefully checked the stitches and made sure no blood or oozing came from the wound. 

“Should he even be walking on his leg yet?” Jarek asked, earning a scowl from Cailan.

“As long as he’s careful, we’ve been assured he could put it to minimal use,” Abed answered so the healer could continue to treat the injury without pausing to respond to questions.

“Movement needs to be slow with frequent rests,” the older brother continued.  “Staying in bed too much isn’t good at this point because it will only weaken the leg if it’s never used.”

Jarek nodded, but still looked concerned.  While the healer prepared a warm cloth to wash the cut, Jarek delicately felt along the edges of the stitches.

“It really is better than it was,” Cailan reaffirmed, trying not to flinch.  He was afraid Jarek might decide to not allow him to get up and walk.

“I can see that,” Jarek asserted.  “But I can also see the healing is slow, and I’m reminded how deep the cut originally went.  Sorcerer Ristoph saved your life, but I’m not sure you realize how close you came to losing your leg as well.”  He looked appreciatively at the royal healer.  “Thank you for the good care you’re taking of Prince Cailan,” he expressed.

The man nodded graciously.  “The wounds were well treated before he arrived back home.  That has helped in the healing.  You should thank the ones who treated Prince Cailan before I took over his care.”

“I already have,” Jarek informed.

Cailan bit his lip as the healer began cleaning his leg, and Jarek reached for his hand as Abed drew a step closer.

“When he is ready, I wanted to invite both of you to join me for the morning meal,” the elder brother offered.  “Mother and Father plan to have you share each evening meal with them, so I thought a morning might be a better chance to get to know you, Leader Jarek.”

“I am willing if Cailan is,” Jarek responded, his gaze landing questioningly on the younger man.

Cailan nodded, but it was hard to talk when his leg was being attended to.  Walking around on it too much merely made it ache and caused him to limp; but the healer’s daily ritual of cleaning, applying salve, and re-bandaging the wound was quite painful, and he tended to unconsciously hold his breath while it was being done.

Jarek noticed the pinched look on his face and squeezed Cailan’s hand, letting the young man grip his fingers tighter throughout the short-lived but painful ordeal.

“Prince Abed, would it be possible to have the meal here in Cailan’s quarters?” Jarek asked, his eyes remaining on Cailan and what the healer was doing.

Cailan would have argued that if he could, but just then the healer tightened the bandage and he didn’t have the breath to voice a debate.

“That is fine,” Abed agreed.  “I’ll go inform the kitchen of our wishes.  It will give Cailan time to bathe when the healer is done.  And Leader Jarek,” Abed said as he rose.  “You have permission to address me informally at times like this.”

“Thank you,” Jarek responded politely.  “The same goes for you.”

Abed offered a nod and a smile before leaving, and a few minutes later the healer departed as well.

Perspiration lightly speckled Cailan’s brow by that point, his leg throbbing as it tended to do for a while after the medic’s attentions.

“What helps?” Jarek asked when they were alone.

“Time mostly,” Cailan answered somewhat breathlessly.  “I need to bathe, and I’ll put a cold compress on it for a while afterward.”

“Does no one help you?” Jarek questioned, sounding displeased.

“It’s been offered, but I can do it myself and I do not want the help.”

“Petling, someone should be with you,” he scolded.  “Why would you deny the assistance?”

Cailan took a deep breath and frowned.  “Because I don’t need to encourage the belief that I’m as vulnerable as they think.  This isn’t Cylandrea,” he reminded a bit forcefully. 

Jarek’s face gentled in understanding.  “No, it’s not,” he agreed and cupped Cailan’s cheek.  “Have you been put down, my prince?”

Cailan shrugged.  “Not exactly.  My family does not mean to see me as weak, and some of them are trying to change that mindset.  They just…can’t help it sometimes though, especially since I’m injured.  A wounded silver is comparable to a vulnerable child in most Artenian’s eyes.”

“And you wish to not encourage that.  I understand, petling.  But right now it is just you and me, and whether you want it or not, I’m going to insist on helping you.”

Cailan started to argue, but Jarek smilingly stopped him with a brief kiss.  “I do not think you weak, love.  You know that.  I simply need to help for my sake as well as yours.  Ok?”

The fight went out of Cailan as he was reminded that Jarek had never considered him less because of his silver hair.  “Ok,” he agreed.

“Good.  Now tell me where the bathing supplies are.”

Cailan did, and Jarek sponge bathed him carefully, although rather sensually.  Both were left more than a little aroused from the process, but there was no time to do anything about their desires since it wouldn’t be long before Abed returned to share a meal with them.

When the three of them did come together to eat, Cailan had an unexpected discovery about himself, a discovery that left him uncertain and introspective.  As a servant held a chair out for each of them and Cailan watched Jarek take his seat, he was blindsided by the urge to sit on the floor next to the man. 

The unanticipated inclination left him off-balance, and that sensation continued throughout the meal as he sat in his chair, trying to eat and converse normally while nagging thoughts about his desire to lower himself next to Jarek lingered in the back of his mind.

Both those thoughts and that bewildering yearning stuck with him all day, and again into Jarek’s second full day in Arten.  He felt unable to do anything or speak of his impulses since much of his and Jarek’s time was spent with members of his family or with the presence of servants.

He didn’t realize that Jarek had taken note of his subtle brooding and was waiting for an opportunity to address it.

That chance came on the third day after Jarek’s arrival.  The morning had been busy.  They’d shared breakfast with Sorcerer Ristoph—something they both enjoyed—and then spent most of the rest of the morning in Doron’s nursery playing with the toddler whom Cailan adored.

Jarek also delighted in the little boy whose innocent personality and puppy-like friendliness was impossible not to love.  They played with the toddler until his morning nap time, and then Jarek watched quietly from a nearby seat as Cailan settled the child into bed.  They didn’t leave until Doron’s sleep was deep and unlikely to be disturbed.

Back in Cailan’s quarters, the noon meal had already arrived and been laid out.  With no one else joining them this time and the room free of servants, Cailan was surprised when Jarek took a cushion from a chaise, set it on the floor by one of the table’s seats, and then gave a very knowing and pointed look to the younger man.

Cailan’s shock was clear, but the jolt of strange relief must have also shown because after giving him a few seconds to let the meaning of the action sink in, Jarek moved to stand in front of the smaller man.  He warmly gripped Cailan’s arms and spoke with the kind authority Cailan had heard while in Cylandrea.

“Talk to me, petling.  I’ve seen you thinking about this for days.”

Anxiety mixed with yearning and confusing relief.  “I don’t…I think…I’m confused,” was the only explanation he was able to give.

“Yes, I can see that,” Jarek easily perceived.  “Shall I voice what I’m thinking first?”

Cailan nodded gratefully.  Jarek avoided the set table for the moment and had them sit side by side on a divan.  He held one of Cailan’s hands and spoke without embarrassment.

“What I have been seeing since I arrived, little love, is that you are torn between two worlds, two cultures, and two desires.  The two worlds are that of a prince and that of a concubine.  The two cultures are Arten and Cylandrea; and the two desires are the yearning to be seen and accepted as a strong man, but also the want to give into the submission that felt natural to you when you belonged to me.  Does that sound about right?”

Cailan took a deep breath before leaning toward the bigger man.  Jarek immediately put an arm around him, encouraging Cailan to rest fully against him.

“It’s right.  How can you know all that?”

“Probably because I feel all of that too, just on the opposite end of things.  I’ve put off saying anything because I felt it more important to spend time with your family and to allow a fresh start to our relationship since the circumstances are different this time around.  Now I’m thinking it’s time to talk about the roles we want within our relationship and what we each expect.”

“You first,” Cailan said immediately.

Jarek chuckled, but didn’t deny Cailan’s request.  “All right, but I’m going to be straightforward.  I don’t want you as a concubine.  That doesn’t satisfy how I feel about you.  I want to marry you and claim you as my lover and partner as well as my companion.

“However,” he continued a bit more seriously.  “That doesn’t mean that I’m looking to deny my natural inclinations.  Your thoughts, opinions, and desires are important to me, but when it comes down to it, I expect to be the one in charge.  There are times we will argue, but if we cannot agree on a decision, then the final word is mine.”

Cailan’s stomach twisted, but he couldn’t tell if the feeling was due to relief or anxiety.  “How…how would that be different from before?”

Jarek kissed his temple.  “I know we never fully consummated our arrangement before, but the fact of the matter is that if I had demanded your sexual submission, you would not have been in the right to deny me.  To do so would have been dishonorable and punishable in whatever way I deemed just. 

“This time we are on equal footing.  You do have the right to say no to me, just as I have the right to say no to you, whether it be in sexual intimacy or in other matters that would affect our life together.”

“But you said you’d be in charge,” Cailan stated in confusion.

“Yes.  Someone has to have the final say in a relationship, petling.  People cannot live or grow if they are in a constant state of limbo.  If we come to a stalemate at some point in time, then I will expect you to submit to my final word on a matter so we can deal with the situation and move forward.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Then I’ll tell you now, from the start, that you can expect to be disciplined.  Disobedience, destructive attitudes or actions, choices that put you or someone else in danger when there is a better option—I will reprimand you for any of those.”  Jarek put a finger under Cailan’s chin and tipped his head up.  “I know it must feel like a punch to your pride to hear me say that, but I don’t mean it to demean you.  I’m simply being honest about my needs and expectations, and I also think that giving me that authority in our relationship is what you want and need.  You had begun to relax into your submission to me before I had to give you back to your father.  I think you found safety in it because you were learning what to expect and that you could trust my word to you.  Am I wrong to believe that?”

Truthfully, he wasn’t wrong, but Cailan struggled to admit that.  “I don’t know.  I don’t want to be a pushover.  Sometimes I’ll want the final say.  And I don’t know that it’s fair for you to punish me like a child or the concubine I no longer am.”

“Mm,” Jarek murmured.  “Let’s address your concerns one at a time, starting with your ‘I don’t know’ comment.”

Cailan pressed his lips together but nodded in acquiescence. 

“I want you to block out all excuses and thoughts on what you think you should be or do.  Just tell me honestly.  Do you want to submit to me?  Does it feel right when you do?  Do you feel safe when you acknowledge that you’re under my care and authority?”

Cailan took his time—several minutes actually—to consider each question.  Eventually he realized one word answered them all.  It was just hard to say.  Yet, he knew he could say it without being looked down on.

“Yes,” he finally said quietly but sincerely.  He was rewarded with another affectionate kiss to the top of his head.

“I’m glad to hear that.  So now you don’t have to be uncertain.  You do know how you feel about having a supportive role instead of the headship within our bond.”

Put like that, even if he didn’t want to voice it to anyone else, Cailan did feel a sense of liberation. 

“I think the next comment you made was that you don’t want to be a pushover.  Is that right?” Jarek asked.

Cailan nodded. 

“I don’t want you to feel like a slave or someone with no rights, petling.  I don’t want to walk all over my partner.  I want someone who walks with me; but I am a flawed person, love.  Sometimes I will unwittingly take advantage of you.  When that happens, I hope you’ll forgive me and we can talk it out.”

“What if I feel taken advantage of, but you don’t agree with me?”

“Then we need to discuss the situation further.”

Cailan pulled a face, correctly assuming that wouldn’t always be easy, but conceding that the only option to getting his point made would be to talk it out.  “Does that mean that sometimes I will get the final say in a matter?”

Jarek looked thoughtful.  “In a way, I suppose it does,” he conceded.  “I don’t mean that you will be allowed to overrule me.  What it does mean is that there will be times that you are likely to convince me that your way or choice is the better option, so even though I might be the one to actually say what will happen, it is your influence that will perhaps help guide that decision.”

That actually sounded good to Cailan.  It made him feel like his opinion or words on a matter would be important and seriously considered.

“I believe your final concern was the matter of accepting discipline from me.  You don’t feel it is fair?”

“I don’t want it,” Cailan stated.  “If you say I will be your equal, why would I get punished when we don’t agree?  I didn’t like it when you did it before, and I don’t want it.”

“I see.  I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but part of the point is that you shouldn’t want it.  I also want to point out that it’s not a punishment for disagreeing with me.  It’s a tool for guidance and safety.  Do you remember why you were disciplined before?”

Cailan had to think for a minute.  “You took your stick to me because I climbed on the ladder without your presence,” he recalled.

Jarek nodded.  “That’s right…mostly.  You were striped for your disobedience, but also because you had fallen from that ladder one other time, and I wanted to keep you safe.  Do you feel your punishment at that time was undeserved or overly harsh?”

Cailan sighed.  “I guess not, but it hurt.”

“I meant it to.  It was also effective, because you did not disobey me by climbing on it again.  I know you don’t like the thought or the actuality of being physically chastised, but I will follow through with that type of correction if I feel it’s necessary.  I will never make you suffer through a beating or unjust punishment, but I will give you what you rightfully earn.  That will be a fact of our relationship.”  He sighed sadly, his body slumping just slightly.  “If that is something that you cannot accept, then we need to discuss whether we are the right match for one another.”

That comment sent a jolt of angst through Cailan’s spirit.  “You don’t think we could be bonded without that?!”

“Little love, I know we could be bonded without it; but I am also certain that it will strengthen our bond if it is used correctly.  You appreciated knowing what I expected of you and where your boundaries were placed, did you not?”

Cailan shrugged, but answered honestly.  “I guess.  It helped not having to guess where I stood or what would happen…although I still questioned it sometimes.”

“I know you did, but that was partly because we were learning our way and getting to know one another.  It takes time to develop the trust we’ll need and the innate knowledge of another person.  I also know that your questions, doubts, and fears often came from the differences you were experiencing from what you knew here in Arten, and not usually from a lack of knowing what I expected.”

Cailan nodded.  “That’s what you’re doing now then?  Letting me know what you expect?”

“Yes, because you need this information to make a decision on what you feel is right for you and what you want.  Maybe now is a good time to tell me your expectations for me,” Jarek suggested.

Cailan wasn’t quite prepared for that, and the look of blank surprise told Jarek as much.

“Have you thought in specifics of what you want our relationship to look like, little love?” he asked gently.

In that moment Cailan felt the significant age difference between the two of them.  Jarek may not have looked sixty-three—far from it—but the wisdom in his gaze and the point of his question clearly reflected the forty-plus years he had on Cailan.

The young prince shook his head awkwardly.

“That’s alright,” Jarek assured without worry.  “Think about it now.  What makes you want to accept my courtship?  Why do you say you love me?”

Cailan thought about his answer and his words carefully.  Eventually he tried to explain his feelings.  “Part of it is because you never treated me like an object.  I was never just someone to be used with you, and it made me believe I could trust you.  You made me feel valuable where others made me feel disposable.  And even though you owned me, it still felt like we were….”  He paused, trying to think of the right word.  “Not ‘equals’ exactly.  I guess it seemed like I was important as a person.  All that is why I feel I love you, but I guess I want to accept your courtship because I think you make more of an effort than anyone else to know me apart from the things that others think make me weak.  You make me feel like I’m special just as me.”

“I’m glad, because you are special,” Jarek insisted.  “Now think about what you’ve just said and tell me how it applies to what you want from me in our relationship.”

Cailan rolled the advice around in his head.  “I want to keep feeling valuable,” he finally said.  “Because that makes me feel like I’m just as capable as anyone else.  I want your respect, and I’d like to work alongside you.”  He met Jarek’s eyes nervously.  “I’d like to continue training as a soldier and be a part of your duties as a military leader—to help you with them if I can.  I want to talk as openly with you as you’ve always let me.”

He paused as a deep-seated desire that had taken root several days earlier flared inside him.  “I think I do want to submit to you, to let you lead and to be under your care and authority, because it felt good when I could let go of worrying how well I was doing at something and just…be.”  He took a shaky breath.  “It scares me a little to say that though, because I wonder if wanting that really does make me as weak as others think I am.”

“It does not,” Jarek immediately answered definitively.  “It actually shows incredible strength of character and bravery to admit something that many men struggle even to recognize.  Honesty and being true to yourself are always strengths, Cailan.  I will never think you weak when you show me those parts of you.”

Cailan turned enough to put his arms around Jarek, and the bigger man went a step further and pulled him onto his lap. 

“Are there any other wishes you want to share with me?” Jarek asked.

Cailan shook his head.  “I can’t think of any right now.  Do you think we can be a good match with our expectations?  I mean, if I accept your discipline, and you help me to be me…will it work?”

“Only time will tell,” Jarek replied honestly, “but I have every intention of making it work until we take our last breaths.”

Cailan nodded and laid his head on Jarek’s shoulder, but then abruptly lifted it as another thought occurred to him. 

“I do have one more expectation!” he said anxiously.

“What is that, petling?”

“I want your faithfulness.  No other lovers…no other concubines.”

Jarek cupped his face with both hands.  “I made that commitment the day I asked your father’s blessing,” he declared.  “I will share a bed and my body with no one else.  Will you make the same commitment to me?”

Cailan shook his head ardently.  “Yes!  I don’t want anyone else.”

Both of them seemed to breathe a sigh of relief, and Jarek caught Cailan’s mouth in a deep and slow kiss.

“I look forward to knowing you fully, my petling,” he murmured.  “But I’ve promised your parents our abstinence for this week, so now is not the time.”

Cailan felt his disappointment acutely.  “They wouldn’t have to know,” he insisted.

He jumped when Jarek’s hand lifted and swatted him without warning.  “That’s being deceptive, and I won’t allow it now nor in the future,” he told Cailan in firm warning, but then softened his tone.  “We’ll wait until we have their blessing and our absolute privacy; and in the meantime we’ll keep talking about what we hope from our relationship.  Ok?”

Cailan pouted a moment, but then nodded.  “Ok, but you didn’t have to swat me.”

Jarek chuckled and kissed his brow.  “I’m just making sure you know my expectations,” he stated.  “Let’s eat our meal now, petling.  Hopefully it’s still warm.”

It was, and Cailan, in relief and willingness, sat on the cushion at Jarek’s side, closed his eyes, and relaxed into the familiarity of being fed by Jarek’s hand.