The War Gift - part 15

Cailan did nothing but think on his conversation with the sorcerer for the next two days.  His heart and mind obsessed over what he should do, and he feared the ‘what ifs’ that kept coming to mind.

What if Ristoph is wrong and my family disowns me for loving a man?  What if Father declared another war on Cylandrea if I said I was in love with Leader Jarek?  What if I say nothing and continue on in Arten?  Can I spend the rest of my life in the same way as I have the last two weeks?  What if I am allowed to return to Cylandrea and Jarek has decided he doesn’t want me?  What if he does still want me...does that mean I won’t get to see my family again?  What if I have to say good-bye to everyone, even Doron, forever?  What if…?

He dropped his head into his hands at one point and growled in frustration and morose.  He couldn’t handle all the what ifs!

“Are you alright, Cailan?”

The unexpected voice had him lift his head from his hands.  Abed, his oldest brother, stood in the doorway to his room looking concerned.

“You were going to join me for a meal, and I came looking for you when you didn’t arrive.  What’s the matter?” his brother asked.

Next to Doron, Abed was the brother Cailan had been closest to.  He’d belittled and teased Cailan as much as the others when they were children, but there had been a turning point at some time when he’d started defending Cailan instead mocking him.  It had allowed them to grow close instead of living on in a tension-filled relationship.

“I’m sorry, Abed.  I was preoccupied and missed what time it was.”

Cailan was sitting on a long chaise and Abed crossed the room to sit next to him.  “Preoccupied with what?  The way you looked when I came in tells me it wasn’t pleasant.”

Cailan’s heart began pounding as he wondered if he should express any of his thoughts to his oldest brother—the future king.  Finally, he thought on Ristoph’s belief that he was brave decided it was time he jumped in with both feet.

“Abed, may I tell you something in confidence?”

“Is it something I need to keep from Father?” the man asked warily.

“Only for now,” Cailan stated.  “I’m trying to decide whether it is something I should tell him or not, and I’d like to know your honest thoughts on what I have to say.”

“O – kay,” Abed agreed cautiously.  “Just let me close the door.”  He rose, crossing the room to firmly shut Cailan’s door and then returned to his seat.  “What is it, little brother?”

Cailan’s hands had gone ice cold, but he was determined to follow through on this decision.  “Abed, would you think less of me or…hate me…if I told you….”  He had to take a deep breath first, but then looked directly into Abed’s eyes, needing to see the other prince’s reaction.  “That I’m in love with Leader Jarek from Cylandrea?”

Truly honest astonishment flooded Abed’s face, but Cailan felt a prickling of hope because he didn’t think that he saw any animosity.

“Do you mean that, Cailan?  You loved the man who owned you?”

It was odd to Cailan that Abed focused on the fact that Jarek had owned him and not that Jarek was another man.  “I do mean it,” he said honestly.  “Jarek was…not just the man who owned me.  He was kind and patient and treated me with respect.  He never forced himself on me, Abed.  I never actually experienced a full claiming with him because he promised to let it be my will and not his for when it happened.”

“That’s…unusual,” Abed said carefully.  His face was looking a little red with the conversation, but he wasn’t pulling away. 

“I know it is,” Cailan agreed.  “Technically, I haven’t been used, so I know what I feel is not a result of…physical pleasure.  Are you…upset that I feel this way?”

“Noooooo,” Abed said slowly, drawing out the word.  “I wonder though if maybe you attached yourself to him because he was nice to you in a frightening situation.  Are you sure it’s love you feel, Cailan?”

Cailan gave the question the consideration it deserved, but finally he nodded.  “I’m sure.  I think it would have faded by now if it had just been an attachment I made while in a difficult position, but…I miss Jarek more with each day that passes,” he admitted.  “I learned from him, Abed, and at the same time—even though he had authority over me—he treated me with respect and like an equal.  He actually made it a point at one time to tell me that being under his authority didn’t mean I was a lesser person than him.”

Again, Abed looked surprised.  “Truly?”

Cailan nodded.  “I was not looked down on, but…I am here.”

“We don’t look down on you!” his brother defended.

“I didn’t say you did personally.  But you know that my hair color will always be considered a detriment to me in Arten, even if I did prove myself as capable and strong as the rest of you.  And please be honest, can you tell me with a completely clear conscience that you see me as a fighter or a warrior in the same vein as the rest of you?”

Abed sighed and looked chagrined.  “I don’t mean to put you down, Cailan.  You’re a good soldier, but you know you’re not as big or strong in your body as the rest of us.”

Cailan looked at him sadly.  “That’s exactly what I mean.  I will never be seen as anything other than a silver-born and with everything that is associated with it…even by my family.  And it’s worse now since I have returned.  Now I am known as the royal, silver-born concubine.”

“That’s not true!”

“It is,” Cailan insisted.  “It has been said to my face.”

The older man stood angrily.  “By who?!  They will answer to me!”

Cailan managed a dry chuckle.  “Sit down, brother.  I am giving you no names because I do not wish to have you fight my battles for me.  But those who spoke the words were soldiers.  I was barely accepted within the military ranks before I went to Cylandrea, and even then only because Father trained me and insisted I could fight.  The men think even less of me now because I have been a concubine.”

Abed dropped roughly back into his seat.  “Do you truly think it is that bad?”

Cailan nodded seriously.  “It is, and if you pay attention, you will notice it for yourself.”

The bigger man’s shoulder’s drooped.  “What do you wish for, Cailan?”

“From my own people, I would wish to be accepted, but I am not hopeful of that at this time.  From my family,” he touched Abed’s arm, “I wish to be loved and respected, and I think I do mostly have that.  But in my heart, I would wish to be with Jarek, and I’d like to know if you approve; and if you do, could you help me decide how to tell Father and Mother?”

Abed ran a hand over his face.  “I don’t disapprove exactly, but I am not sure I endorse it either, Cailan.  Can you be patient and give me a day or two to think about what you’ve said?”

Cailan bit his lip, but nodded.  “Could you not mention it to anyone else though?  I really need this to be private until I know what I need to do.”

“I will not reveal what you’ve told me,” Abed agreed, “but I do need some time to mull things over.”  He landed a rough pat on Cailan’s knee.  “Can we forego the seriousness for a while now and eat?  I’m starving!”

Cailan laughed.  “Yes, I’m sorry to delay our meal.”

“I’ll forgive you this time,” Abed said magnanimously. 

With a smile that was a bit stronger than it had been earlier, Cailan put his worries aside and followed his brother out of the room.

*****

Cailan found it very difficult to not seek out Abed over the next two days.  Now that he’d admitted to both his brother and Ristoph of his feelings, he felt he was in limbo until he could make a decision on what was to be done.  He couldn’t concentrate on anything else for very long, so he moved from one activity to the next, trying to occupy himself without straining the still healing injuries on his body. 

Eventually he began to feel closed in again and a yearning to be outside made him consider his options.  His father didn’t want him walking too far a distance alone, but there was a small garden just outside the palace’s kitchens that would be pleasant enough to walk in, plus there were benches he could rest on as necessary.

With his mind made up, he summoned a page boy and directed him to leave word for his family of where he would be, and then added a heavy wrap over his tunic before heading outside.

He took a deep breath as soon as the fresh, early autumn air touched his face.  The day was a bit warmer than a few days earlier when he’d watched the drills, but the wind was stronger, so he was grateful for the extra layer of the wrap.  He moved slowly among the bushes and shrubs which were showing the last of their flowers from the summer months.  It was peaceful to stroll amongst the plants, and taking the time to enjoy the sights and sounds and smells of the outdoors was a good excuse not to move too quickly and overexert his leg. 

When he came to the edge of the garden, he didn’t feel the need for a rest, but there was a bench there and the serenity of the area encouraged him to sit and let it sink into him for a while.  After several minutes he closed his eyes and just felt the wind and sun on his face while allowing his thoughts to drift once again to Jarek.  He wondered what the other man was doing—working with his soldiers?  Having a meal with one of his siblings?  Soaking in the large pool of the bathing room?

That last thought filled his head with an image that sent a bolt of arousal through him as he envisioned the beautiful and intricate markings that decorated Jarek’s well-toned physique.  He allowed himself to remember what Jarek’s skin had felt like and the masculine scent of his body.  Subconsciously, he inhaled deeply, but only the scent of flowers and dirt filled him.  His shoulders slumped in disappointment as he opened his eyes.

“Cailan?”

He stiffened at the unexpected company and looked over his shoulder to see Abed approaching him.  Relaxing slightly, he moved to stand but the older brother motioned to him to stay as he was, and then sat next to him when he reached the bench.

“I went looking for you in your room, but a page boy said you’d come out here.”

“Needed some fresh air,” Cailan explained.  “It’s hard to be inside so much.”

“Are you sure you feel up to it?  How are your wounds?”

Cailan gave him a sideways glare.  “They are fine, Abed.  I have enough sense to be careful.”

Abed rolled his eyes, but then paused as if something occurred to him, and instead patted Cailan’s knee.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry to hassle you about it.  I came out here to talk to you about something else anyway.”

Cailan immediately felt his stomach twist with nerves.  “About?”

“Leader Jarek,” Abed said without fanfare.  “And you.”

Cailan bit his lip a moment before looking to his brother.  “So?”

“So…have you thought more about what you told me?  Are you sure of your feelings?”

Cailan nodded.  “I’ve been sure for a while, Abed.  Believe me, I wouldn’t have told you at all if I wasn’t sure, but I really don’t know what to do about it.”

“I think you need to tell Father.”

Cailan clasped his hands together tightly.  “I’ve thought about that a lot, but I don’t know if I can.”

“Why?” Abed questioned, his whole attention on Cailan.

“Because so much could turn out so badly,” the younger brother admitted.  “Do you realize that if I tell him this that he is no longer the king with a silver-born son, or even the king with the silver-born son who was a concubine?  Instead, he’ll be the king with a silver-born son, who served as a concubine, and who fell in love with his foreign male master.  I hate the thought of bringing more shame on him, and it seems like that’s all I’ve ever done.

“And,” he continued before Abed could interrupt.  “You can’t assure me that things like that won’t be said.  I’ve told you that I’ve had that very thing said to my face by my own countrymen…by soldiers.  Besides, even if it isn’t said to Father, I know the gossip will be there. 

“And all that could happen only if he accepts my feelings for Jarek.  If he cannot abide my love for him, then he has every right to disown me.”  Cailan choked up at the thought, but managed to keep talking.  “If he didn’t disown me, I’m still spending my life purposeless.  If he wanted me to marry, it would have to be a forced arrangement because no woman would want me because of my hair and my concubine status; nor do I want to spend my life attached to someone who does not care about me.”  Longing filled him.  “Jarek does care about me.  Despite my subservient status while I was there, he let me talk to him as an equal.  He took care of me and let me take care of him; and he cried when he told me he had to let me return to Arten, Abed.”

Cailan breathed out a shaky sigh.  “If I remain here, I will likely be a bachelor, which is alright, but how do I fill my time?  No soldiers will want to serve with me, and you know as well as I do that a man who cannot fight or assist his country in some way has the respect of no one. 

“On top of all that,” Cailan persisted, feeling a driving need to get everything off his chest.  “Suppose Father did accept my feelings for Jarek and allowed me to return to him?  What does that mean for my family here?  I love all of you too, and I want to be able to see Doron grow up, and be around whenever any of you take a wife or have your own children.  Would I even be allowed to maintain a relationship with all of you if I returned to Cylandrea?”

Abed finally managed to reply as Cailan blew out a frustrated breath.  “You have more thoughts in your head than I can count, brother.  But addressing your last point, do you really think Father and Mother would cut contact with you if you admitted your care for Jarek and went to be with him?  I mean, we do have communication abilities and portals that can be opened.  Father even told the family that there was an open door visitation policy now in place between the two royal households.”

“I know.  Jarek told me that too before Ristoph brought me back.  But Abed, I have not been offered the option to contact Jarek or King Alaric once since I’ve been back, and neither has Jarek nor anyone else tried to reach me.  I’ve sensed that there’s been a choice to maintain some distance from each other.”

Abed was quiet, but another voice spoke up.  “You’re right, my lad, but that choice was mine, and I am coming to believe it was the wrong one.”

Cailan looked abruptly over his shoulder to see his father standing under an arbor no more than twenty feet away.  “Father!”  His face burned with embarrassment and nerves as he realized the king may have just heard all he blurted out.

Saxon moved forward and sat so Cailan was between the two bigger men.  The positioning left the young prince feeling rather trapped, and his nerves grew.

“I’m sorry, Father!  I…I….”

Saxon held up one large hand, motioned Cailan to calm down and be still.  “You do not need to make apologies, Cailan; and yes, before you ask, I heard all you said.  I’ve been here as long as Abed.”

Cailan’s head whirled around to look at his brother almost in horror.  “Did you do that on purpose?  I was speaking to you in confidence!”

“I know, Cailan.  Don’t be upset.  Father needed to know, and I thought it might be better if you could say what you just did openly, without censoring your words because you feared his reaction.”

Cailan looked back and forth between his father and brother, an unreasonable sense of panic building in him.  He flinched when the king put an arm around his shoulders, but Saxon didn’t let him pull away.

“This is a development I did not expect,” the king admitted.  “And one I didn’t even think to plan for.”

Cailan buried his face in his hands.  “I’m sorry, Father.  You must think me a fool and a coward to have developed such strong feelings for Jarek.”

“Actually I don’t, Cailan,” the king said unexpectedly.  “I am not surprised you developed feelings for him because it is not an unusual thing to happen to a concubine.”

Cailan looked nervously to his father.  “It’s not?”

Saxon shook his head.  “Many who find themselves in that position come to feel quite strongly for their captors, especially if they are not treated as badly as they expect to be.”

Cailan understood what wasn’t being directly said.  “You think my claim to love Jarek is just because he was kind to me in an overwhelming situation.”

“Possibly,” the king admitted.  “As I said, it’s not unusual, and from what you and Ristoph have told me, Leader Jarek was kinder than most.  I think it may be more unusual for you not to have come to care for him.  However, that doesn’t mean I’m sure that you are actually in love with him, son.”

Cailan stiffened, but before he could speak up his father held up a hand, telling him to be silent.

“What I didn’t expect was how difficult it would be for you to come back to us,” the king stated sadly.  “I know we addressed it in some of our talks in the last few days, but I attributed the difficulty to your silver-born status, nothing else.  I did not realize the difficulty your fellow soldiers would have with you, or consider what your future would be here.”  He sighed.  “I suppose I thought that once you were healed, life would return to the way it had been, but I see that is not likely to be possible, and I think I have been unfair to you.”  He squeezed Cailan’s shoulders once.  “Decisions for your own life have been out of your hands for quite a while now.  You have lived to serve others, and you have been forced into sacrifices I didn’t realize you were making.”

“Father, I don’t regret taking Doron’s place.  I’d do it again,” Cailan insisted.

“I know you would,” the king said with certainty, “but you were not included in the decision to bring you back to Arten, nor have I let you know that Leader Jarek has desired to speak with you since you’ve come back.”

“What?!” Cailan asked in shock. 

Saxon nodded.  “I promised King Alaric and Leader Jarek that I would keep them updated on your well-being, so I have sent a daily communiqué to them, letting them know of your healing process.  Leader Jarek has replied to the contact each day, thanking me for the update, and also requesting the opportunity to speak with you himself.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Cailan asked, feeling hurt to have been kept in the dark.

“Because I did not think it was in your best interest to encourage the contact.  I thought you would be better off to have some distance from that world and what you went through.”

Cailan clenched his fists.  “That should have been my choice,” he determined.

“Perhaps,” King Saxon conceded.  “But as the king dealing with a foreign ally, and even more importantly as your father, I did what I thought was best for my son. 

“However,” he continued.  “Several days ago Leader Jarek changed his request to me.”

Cailan’s heart dropped a little.  “He didn’t want to speak with me anymore?”

“No, it wasn’t that.”  The king looked a bit uncomfortable.  “He entreated my blessing to allow him to court you.”

Cailan’s mouth dropped open and his heart sped up.  “Really?” he choked out.

Saxon nodded.  “Sorcerer Ristoph told me that he believed Leader Jarek loved you, that he heard the man say it himself, but I did not truly believe it until he made such a request.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to allow it,” he admitted, “and I have said nothing of his appeal to your Mother.”

“But Father did come to me to discuss Leader Jarek’s request,” Abed put in.  “It was the same day you told me of your feelings for the Cylandrean.”

“And you told Father what I’d told you?” Cailan questioned.

Abed shook his head.  “No, you had asked me not to repeat your words, so I kept your privacy, but I did tell Father I thought he should ask you if you wanted to be courted by Leader Jarek.”

“Even then I was hesitant,” Saxon admitted.  “I never thought to lose a son to another kingdom, not as a concubine or to a marriage, but I unexpectedly was forced on the one, and am now being asked to consider the other.  Silver hair or not, Cailan, you are my child and I love you.  I fear making a mistake for your best, and I know I have already made too many when it comes to you.”

Cailan didn’t understand that.  “Father?”

Saxon looked grievous.  “Without saying as much, Sorcerer Ristoph made me realize I have underestimated your abilities, and I am extremely proud of the way I hear you saved the life of King Alaric’s wife.  You have created a bond between our two countries that is a benefit to both of us.  But the thought of giving you back is difficult to face.”

Cailan nodded in understanding.  He knew the difficulty of such a choice as well.  It was what he had been struggling with ever since returning to Arten.

“However,” King Saxon continued.  “You have said things to Abed that I did not consider.  You are right that an arranged marriage would probably be your only choice within Arten for intimate companionship, but I do not desire to force you into a partnership.  I also understand that it would be difficult for you to serve within the military ranks now.  Prince or not, I can see that you would be targeted, and I believe it is the wiser choice for both your sake and the unity of our soldiers that we avoid the conflict it would create.”

That was hard for Cailan to hear.  While he had never seen himself as the strong warrior his father and brothers were, he had felt a fulfillment and purpose in his service as a soldier, and there was an ache in his heart to know he would not be able to be one again.

“So, where does that leave us?” he ended up asking.  “Where does it leave me?”

His father looked straight ahead, apparently struggling to answer.  “Where that leaves us…I suppose what I need to know is, do you desire to be courted by Leader Jarek?”

Cailan sucked in a breath.  “You…you would allow it?  Even though he’s a man, and a foreigner?”

“I am considering it,” Saxon said slowly.  “I will say that it is not my first choice to have you enter into a relationship that would leave you no heirs, but I think that is a decision for you and not me to make.  If Leader Jarek is kind and good for you, then I would not hold a relationship built with him against you. 

“It is a little harder to accept the thought of you potentially committing to a lifelong arrangement with someone who is not from your own country; but, unfortunately you have been born into a land that has trouble seeing anything beyond your silver hair.  I don’t like to admit that, but it is true.  For that reason, perhaps it is the better option for you to seek a spouse among a people who will not look down on that part of you…if that is what you desire.”

Cailan blinked several times, his eyes burning.  “Then, with your blessing, I would like to seek a partnership with Jarek.”

He held his breath then, almost fearful that saying the words would open Pandora’s Box.  Instead, his father’s arm around him tightened and he spoke roughly. 

“Then I will speak with Leader Jarek today, and we will make arrangements for your courtship.”

*****

Cailan felt like he was crawling out of his skin after his father and brother walked him back to his room and then left.  His father promised to contact Leader Jarek immediately after speaking with Queen Adesina.  The king warned him that his mother may not be very accepting of the turn of events, and Cailan need to be prepared to be honest with her. 

Cailan expressed his understanding.  His mother could be his hardest hurdle yet.

King Saxon also said he would not allow Cailan to be a part of the initial communication.

“It would be a distraction to both Leader Jarek and me,” he explained.  “There are formalities to a courtship I expect to be abided by, and since it is an arrangement with a foreign country, Leader Jarek, King Alaric and I need to be in agreement of the details and process.”  He had squeezed Cailan’s shoulder at that point.  “This is no longer a situation of you being a concubine.  This is a man seeking to show his worth to be your husband, and I intend to see that he proves himself.”

Cailan understood that, and he both appreciated and was irritated by his father’s insistence on the formalities.  When the king had left, he’d promised to return to Cailan as soon as he had worked out the initial arrangements with the Cylandrean royal family.

Cailan spent the time pacing the length of his room until his leg buckled and almost sent him to the floor.  He caught himself by grabbing his bedframe, and then carefully lowered himself to the mattress and rubbed at his aching leg.  He needed a distraction, but now he was in no position to leave his room, so instead he stretched out and did something he had done as a child and couldn’t sleep—counted the stones on the nearest wall simply to divert his mind to something else.

He had reached 159 when he heard his door open and his father call his name.  He sat up quickly and turned toward the doorway, but froze as an unexpected sight greeted him.  With his father stood his mother…and Jarek!  

The familiar shimmer of his hair pulled at that part of Cailan’s heart that had felt empty since they’d been parted.  His eyes filled so quickly that he didn’t have the chance to prevent them from spilling over, neither could he talk, but his expression said it all and Jarek crossed the room to him so quickly that King Saxon had no time to make any explanation.

Strong arms wrapped around him and Cailan clung back.

        “My petling, I’ve missed you so much,” Jarek murmured.